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Checked Out Sex: Why your partner thinks you’re mentally goneA common complaint I get from many clients is that their partner is “checked out” during sex.

People describe themselves as forcing themselves on their partner or the sex feels bad and mechanical. They describe their partner as uninterested in them or sex in general. This creates so much tension since both sides feel frustrated and angry. The partner who feels their partner is checked out feels rejected and undesired. The partner who is checked out tends to feel forced, pressured, and anxious about disappointing their partner. To fix this problem we must first identify the problem.

The reason to me is simple: you are not connecting on more then a genital level.

Sex is about Connection

Most of the time if a person feels their partner is checked out, it’s because their partner really is checked out during sex. Here’s why: During sex, energy flows between you and your partner creating a connection that feels like the world around you disappears and all is left is the two of you. A loop is formed between the receiver and giver. If your partner is not present mentally then the loop is cut off because the energy directs toward whatever the mind is focusing on. For example, if your mind is not present but drifting to the project you are working on at work or getting kids ready for school, or even whether my penis will get erect or not, your energy shifts in that direction rather than toward your partner.

If the energy is only traveling one way you are draining your partner’s sexual energy and not giving any in return. When this happens your partner will feel your distraction because their energy is being drained,leaving your partner dissatisfied and sexually empty.

Your partner can actually feel your lack of presence and that is often a huge turn off.

Great sex is more than performance and being a porn star, it’s about connecting on multi-levels. Connecting on higher levels only can happen if you both are present. Often people describe that connection as feeling of oneness with their partner, a feeling amplified by sexual pleasure. It’s through this process that one can feel those “sexual intimate feelings” and bring you to closer. Without that, sex is no more then a means of getting off with no depth of experience.


Checking Back In During Sex

So how can we fix this situation and simply be present during sex? I don’t mean just lying nude and aroused, but be mentally present as well. Your mind should be on your partner, your own breath, and your bodily sensation, not on the baseball game, final exam, or past sexual experiences.

What I mean by past sexual experiences is recalling bad sexual experiences and bringing them into this one. For example, a man who worries if his penis will work or a women who has experienced an inability to orgasm, is not worried about the present experience because it has not happened yet. Rather they are focused on the time his penis or her vagina did not work and transferring those fears in to the present experience. The result is energy is flowing towards that memory creates an emotional response of anxiety because there is a fear that it might happen again.

Checked Out Sex: Why your partner thinks you’re mentally goneBeing present is not as easy as one would think. Your mind wants to wonder and it’s trained to wander all day every day. We live in a world that moves so fast we are constantly checking emails, worrying about this or that, so much so that we often miss the present moment. Awakening to a life of being here now is called mindfulness. I like to call what I am discussing mindful sex practices. We must be present 100 percent to really connect with your partner.

If you are distracted, here are some ways to bring presence back to your partner.

1) Breath– deeply and using cleansing breaths. Relaxing helps with focus and unblocks energy pathways and allows for the blood to flow more freely to genitals.
2) Receive as you give– When you touch someone they are touching you as well so feel those nice sensations of your partners skin.
3) Focus – If your mind wanders bring it back by not punishing yourself but rather simply redirect your focus back to your body’s sensations, breath, and your partner.
4) Eye gazing– Look into each other’s eyes creates an instant connection with your partner.

David Fishman

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