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One of the biggest relationship killers is infertility.

Fertility issues can poison a relationship in two major ways. First, the poison starts in the bedroom with sex becoming all about making babies and, therefore, losing the intimacy, passion, connection, pleasure, relaxation, and satisfaction great sex brings. The poison bleeds out of the bedroom into the rest of the relationship causing even the best couples to drift apart. 

It does not have to be that way.

If you stay whole, present, and focus on maintaining and improving your sex life you will find that through the pleasures of sex, a couple can heal and make it through this tough time.

A couple begins the conception process with so much hope of raising a family of their own. To achieve this goal they simply have sex and create the most precious thing in life. We all assume we are just like a bunch of teens who have unprotected sex and get pregnant the very first time. We assume it is that easy!

Then a month goes by and she gets her period, and then another, then another and all of sudden 6 months, a year goes by and each month her period comes like clock work. So a couple gets desperate and the great sex the couple enjoyed prior to them trying to conceive gets lost in fertility treatments, hormone shots, basal temperature readings, and ovulation cycles. Tracking her cycle for that one moment where she becomes fertile about 3 days a month. Then the period still comes and the emotions of loss become overwhelming.

Infertility issues bring frustration, blame, failure, and inadequacy because the couple cannot perform a basic part of life reproduction.

Compounding the issue, everyone else around the couple is having babies and people get pregnant after a drunken night and a broken condom. Envy is not what compounds the issue, but a sense of loss like person who just lost their mother and looks at all the mother’s day pictures on Facebook. It becomes a constant reminder of those feelings. The loss is over a dream and a feeling of emptiness in the couple’s heart that they, month after month, fail to fill. For many with this problem these issues go on for years. The bad sex and the emotional toll it takes on the couple poisons the relationship as each member drifts apart.

Procreative sex does not need to be bad nor mechanical because how you have sex has no impact ones ability to get pregnant. A woman does not even need an orgasm to get pregnant. All that needs to happen is the ejaculation of semen into the vagina and the sperm meeting a viable egg. Basically it matters not how you perform sex; all that matters is that you have vaginal intercourse.

Here are some tips to maintain a healthy sex life when trying to conceive and how to keep the sex sizzling when the basal temperature rises.

Tip 1

Don’t give in into the temptation of getting lazy about your sex life since it’s happening more regularly. Sex is more then the act of making a baby and encompasses more then just vaginal intercourse. Great sex is all about pleasure, relaxation, intimacy, and connecting with your partner on different levels. So be there in that moment, block out all the negativity and just be present while having sex. Many are often surprised that when sex gets better, the relationship does too. I have never heard of a couple divorcing because they were having too much great sex.

 

Tip 2

Remember, this is your best friend, a person you love so much you want to create a life that is made of half that persons DNA. So remember that they are not your enemy. Whatever you are feeling they are feeling the same. It does not matter who is reason for the fertility issue. The issue is both of yours because this is the person you want to mate with. Since you are both dealing with this emotional crisis, deal with the emotions together as a couple. After all, who is better at comforting and loving you than your partner?

 

Tip 3

Touch is so important that it can change everything. So here’s what I’d like you to do the next time you and partner get into a fight. One person just stop yelling and give your partner a big loving hug or jump your partners bones and tear off their clothing (I bet that will stop the shouting!).

 

Tip 4

Tackle the issue but don’t dwell on the issue and never-ever lose hope. Today modern medicine is making great strides in fertility treatments. Even if those don’t work, adoption and surrogacy are great options. Adoption gets a bad wrap but is a great way to do right for a child that society would otherwise allow to fall to through the cracks. The issue is a hard one but there are other ways to skin this cat.

Tip 5

Love your partner! I cannot stress this enough. We forget this so often to just love our partner. Fill that void with each other by holding each other and comforting each other. Most of all watch how you talk to your partner. We need to ask ourselves is this how I would want them to treat me? Be kind and loving to each other, the rest will follow.

 

While the baby dream may be dying, your relationship with your partner does not have to die with it. Remember to maintain the great parts of your relationship and never let the bad parts overcome the good parts. If you do that you can make it through this tough time and figure out a way forward together, rather apart.

 

David Fishman