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It’s true that great sex happens spontaneously but does not mean the sex needs to be spontaneous too. In other words any kind of sex can turn into great sex even if it’s planned because the spontaneous intangibles that turns a sex encounter from “meh” to “oh yea” happens during the sex. We are not in control of those things, they just happen, but what we can do is utilize our spirituality.

Spirituality and Sex

When I say ‘spirituality’ it is not necessarily about the practice of any one religion but rather the heightened sense of consciousness, presence, fulfillment, comfort, and pleasure one experience in that setting. We recreate that experience in the bedroom and make sex a spiritual experience.

Sacred sexuality is not necessarily tantric because Tantra is not a spiritual thing but a philosophy of living one’s life in a spiritual way but at the same time sacred sexuality is tantric since a spiritual experience causes us to transcend into the spiritual realm of consciousness. The movement between realms of consciousness is a core principle of Tantric practice. It’s also accessing the masculine/feminine because you are creating a space for Kali (the goddess representation of the feminine-masculine).

An example of this is going to a religious building. The religious building becomes the container creating the space for a spontaneous experience. So when people bring energy in the form of song and prayer they bring a heightened connect to everyone in the congregation even if that connection can fade in a heartbeat. The reason for this is that energy flows towards one’s motives and emotions. So when we enter a religious intuition we intend for that building to be a spiritual place. This is true even if you do not believe in the religion since we know it’s a spiritual place. Once inside, we become aware of the spiritual realm and we transcend to heighten consciousness as our third eye opens.

We can recreate that spiritual experience with partner/s when engaging in sacred practices like ritual. For some this may seem strange because often religion oppresses sexuality. However it was not always that way. Sacred sexuality is as old as modern humans. It’s only been since the rise of the Catholic Church, after the fall of the Roman Empire, did the West sever spiritual ties with sexuality. We can bring it back and thus turning our sex into spiritual experiences creating that consciousness to funnel our energy into that moment connecting you to new levels with your partner/s. Now that is a recipe for great sex, since the world is left outside that container, leaving you fully present in that moment open to all the pleasure and sensuality can experience in that moment.

So how can we recreate the temple experience in ones sex life?

  1. Create a Temple– It starts with creating a temple maybe not one to worship one’s god, gods, and goddesses but a temple to worship each other. Even if it’s a guy or girl you brought home from the bar or a couple been married for 30 years, just saying the space you enter to have sex is sacred can make that space spiritual. Since it captures our mind and focuses our energy into the experience rather than being sucked in by things not involved in the sexual experience like work, kids, the fight we had last night.
  2. Ritual– creating your own rituals before beginning also help to raise the consciousness and focuses the energy even more. A few ritual suggestions:
    1. Appreciations-each take turns telling each other something you appreciate about your partner/s,
    2. Tokens-bring an object with an emotional connection and describe why the object is so important to you or the relationship to your partner/s.
    3. Meditation– couples meditation is great way to get the juices flowing.
  3. Schedule It– Setting a time each week for sacred sex is just like the religious day whether it’s Shabbat or church we know Saturday or Sunday is temple time. We also do this at the beginning of most relationships when we schedule dates and thus sex.
  4. Prepare– just like when you prepare to go out with a new lover go for “9’s”. Prepare our mind and body before entering the sacred space. So get that sexy lingerie out, shower, groom, and do what ever you need to prepare yourself for that space. We must not only prepare our mind and body but the temple itself should be created. So light candles, burn incense, put on music, or whatever else to set the mood. Prepare for the sex as well by taking out all that you will need like oils, lubes, condoms, and toys before you start.
  5. Don’t over do it– This is must be part of sexual experience in a couples sexual tool box because if we do it too often, the effect wears off just like anything else we do. There is no set amount of time one should do this type of sex to maintain its effectiveness. It’s all about you and your partner how you feel that amount is.
  6. Allow pleasure to heal– To do this we must place limits to the experience of pleasure and accept and enjoy it with open arms. We are trained to not accept pleasure but to provide for the others pleasure. So during sex embrace every sensation and tingle even if you are giving. Once we accept the pleasure 100 percent, the pleasure becomes a powerful healing and therapeutic experience.
  7. Be open– Accept your partner’s desire even if it’s something you would never do. Instead of giving into that initial shock or judgment find out the core of that desire. For example, say your partner is into a certain role play like naughty cop and criminal. For your partner it may not be the role play but a desire to be dominated or being dominant. In other words it’s about control rather than having sex with a cop or a criminal. This brings tender love and understanding heightens the connection between you and your partner/s.
  8. Let it Flow– allow the experience to take control and follow where it goes. Basically don’t hang on to firm plans during the experience because that limits the space for something spontaneous and wonderful to happen.

Sacred sexual practice may seem strange or even sacrilegious but we do these things all the time. Take sporting events as an example. We get dressed in our team paraphernalia and head to the sacred stadium to chant together creating energy to help our team win. To me that is a spiritual experience especially after a win. The crowd is giving each other high fives even to strangers next to them. Every fan connects in a collective experiential way. Sex can be the same as that experience but for many people sex is looked as a bad thing creating blocking emotions to this experience.

David Fishman