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One of the most common myths I face on a regular basis is the notion that to be a good lover you need to know how to be a good giver; this is false. The truth is, we need to be both a giver and a receiver during sex. I am not speaking about anal sex but rather on giving and receiving pleasure in general. To be a good lover you must provide pleasure to your partner, that is a given, but to be a really good lover we must set ourselves apart from everyone else. Since everyone learns and strives to be the best giver as possible, very few ask how to be receivers as well. Those are going to be the lovers you will fantasize about forever and ever.

So what does it mean to be a good receiver? Why does this make me a better lover? To answer these questions, we must look into meditation. When people meditate they shut down the outside world and their mind to reach a place of peace and relaxation. To do this, one must focus only on their own breath. To be effective at shutting down the outside world and the mind one must be truly present in the moment.

Sex is exactly the same as meditation in this regard. The one difference is the focus of the mind. The mind in meditation focuses on the breath while in sex its on pleasure and touch. This is the X-factor in being a great lover because a lover who is present in that moment and place and in tune with their own bodies during sex (doesn’t matter if it’s a Blow Job behind the bar or in the heat of hot loving making in the bedroom, nor does it matter if you met your partner/s 10 min or 10 years ago) the sex will be better for you and partner/s.

The reason being a receiver is so important to being a great lover is simple; you are always receiving during sex. Even when you are giving you are receiving pleasures and sensations. To demonstrate this principle and its impact here is an exercise for you and your partner. Tonight, I want you to go home and give each other 2 back rubs taking turns one receiving and one giving. The first set of back rubs I want you to do with the TV on or do something to distract you from the task at hand. The second set of back rubs I want no distractions, so turn the TV off, this time I want you to feel everything from the feel of their skin, to energy moving from their body to yours through your fingers as you rub your partner’s back. After both rubs are done I bet the second one was better for both of you. The point here, to be great at sex one must really experience the whole sexual experience not just the few seconds of orgasm. Speaking of orgasms, the better in tune you are with your body and more present you are in the moment, you may experience more intense orgasms more often.

The last advantage the great giver and receiver have over the person who is only a great giver is in the ability to build a connection. When I was dating, I found some dates on online dating sites. In everyone’s profile the need for a connection and a spark is key to scoring a date. When we can be in the moment in that meditative state during sex no matter how long you have known the person a higher-level connection becomes possible. To illustrate this point I need you to imagine you and your partner/s sitting together nude across from each other. Imagine you and your partner are wrapped in a bubble that causes the world outside to disappear leaving just you and your partner/s alone, in this place, in this moment. Image gazing into your partner’s eyes. After doing that imagery, how do you feel? How do you think you would feel in that moment? I will speak for me. I would feel connected with my partner sexually, spiritually, and romantically. By creating sex that is experiential rather than just a body function. I promise you will connect with a person during sex on more than a sexual level, your partner will have their socks blown off and seeing stars.

David Fishman